Love Marriage

Over 25 years, ago when I used to teach college, had a two door hatchback to drive, and was living in a small apartment in a low income housing complex, in downtown Atlanta, our life was just beautiful, and our needs so few. We went places, even on long vacations in the hatchback, with three teen age children and wife. No one complained, except my wife occasionally, that the car was too small for five grown ups. The apartment had two bedrooms, and only one bath, consisting of a sink, and tub with shower, for five adults. The mornings were kind of difficult and an exercise in continence. We didn’t then know what a half-bath was. All the children were in school, using the free bus service. My wife finished college, got a job, and bought a brand new four door big expensive car, as her job was too far, 200 yards away from home. One American dream realized. I left academia, and started selling insurance, had the same hatchback with no radio and no air- conditioning. I was tempted to use the new car for my business, but did not succeed in getting it. Next the apartment seemed too small to my wife and she drove all over the town to buy a house. But it would take another 9 years to realize the second dream. I was so attached to my cheap place, and would not want to move out and shell out more money, which I did not have. My wife went ahead and rented another apartment, in the same cheap complex, and started living on her own with more space. I was still at the old place, with all the three children. My wife ran back and forth to cook at both places, and took care of both homes. We eventually, advised our son to move out and live with my wife while I stayed at the old place with the two daughters.
My brother’s family came from England for a visit, and wondered why we had two separate apartments, and not a bigger one. We explained, the apartments bigger than ours’ did not exist in the low income housing complex, and we, especially me, did not want to move away. Then came, a friend’s family from Virginia to visit, and spent a weekend with us, they asked for my wife and son, and I took them to the other apartment, where they were. My wife got mad, and wanted that I should have called her and asked to come to the old place, and may be stay there, as before, for the weekend. My friends thought, we were separating, which my wife suspected that they will, hence wanted to spend time all together at one place. But my friends, asked me anyway, ‘Apka Love Marriage Tha Kya’ , (was yours a love marriage) seeing us at two separate places, suspecting our marriage being dissolved.
Since a traditional arranged marriage, does not have a situation of separation, living separately and eventual divorce, hence the question on ‘ love marriage’, which is not expected to last very long anyway. Most marriages in India are still arranged, with the help of parents and seniors on both sides of the family. Divorce is still a taboo, and exception.
No one walks out of wedlock, as the decision for marriage involves numerous people from two families, and the society/village at large. It works like the US Congress, where you can vote a dissent, but once the opinions are counted, the majority wins, the so called ‘family-whips’ control the entire affair, and the matrimony, thus, can not be dissolved, without a long parliamentary practice. The process may not be pleasant for the divorcing couples, but most of the time they give in to the pressures, and the marriage is saved. Many a times it may end up in a unhappy marriage carried out for the benefit of children, as well as for the convenience of both sides of the family. And mostly due to the inconvenience, of going through the whole process again, if one wishes to remarry. All this made a lot of sense for me. Hence I tried to arrange the marriages of all three of my children, but did not succeed in either. My two younger brothers in England and India, both had ‘love-marriages’, as had our three children in USA. In my case, in remote Bihar, India back after finishing college, I came home for summer vacation, in the 1960s, and my father said to me, ‘you better get a hair cut, as we will take you to get married this weekend in a different town’. I was 19 then, had finished the masters in science, earlier than most of the students in my age group, and was considered bright, also had lived the city life for several years, where I was now teaching college for couple of months. But I had no courage to ask anything to my father, or to anyone else, hence got married to a 16 year old girl, from a far away place, selected through arranged marriage. People ask me, when did you see your wife first. I answer, four days after getting married. At the podium, the bride was under a veil. After the wedding we were separated, and allowed to be with each other, four days later on an auspicious day. We are still together, for the last 45 years or so, with plenty of turmoil, dissensions and heartaches. We did not separate, in spite of the numerous problems we have had, as it was not a ‘love-marriage.’